It’s over. Officially. But, now what?
As a divorce lawyer for the last 12+ years, I can tell you that – as crazy as it sounds – sometimes one of the most difficult parts of divorce is the end. After enduring so many months of negotiation, paperwork, deadlines, heartache and perhaps even frustration or anger; when the divorce judgment is finally granted, it can feel all at once like an incredible burden lifted – but also like a thick cloud of fog settling in. So, now what? Where do you go from here?
Well in short, you’ve got a little more ‘house cleaning’ stuff to take care of, and then it’s time to take a seriously huge breath and pause — you did it (!)
1. MAKE SURE THE LEGAL STUFF IS SQUARED AWAY
After your judgment is finalized, if there are orders to divide or equalize retirement accounts then you have another step. Ensure that your Qualified Domestic Relations Order (QDRO) is prepared and implemented. Most people incorrectly believe that when the Judgment is signed by the judge they are done. While the divorce is final, there is one more step that (usually) needs to be taken to ensure each party receives their respective share of retirement accounts. If you don’t handle this now, you will have to address it sometime in the future if you want to receive pension income or take 401k or IRA withdrawals!
2. REASSESS YOUR FINANCES
My colleague, Jennifer Taylor, a CPA and Certified Divorce Financial Analyst, makes a point to remind clients that during a divorce, cash, assets and records that have been around for years sometimes start magically disappearing out of fear and panic of the property division process. Now that you’re at the close of your divorce, you should know exactly where you stand with your ex financially, so it’s a good time to reassess your finances and plan your budget for at least the next year. Jennifer shares more tips in her 10-Step Quick Guide for Tackling Divorce Financial Issues, including a helpful template you can download and use to compare your pre- and post-divorce expenses.
3. DO SOMETHING FOR YOU
I cannot stress the importance of self-care during and after divorce enough. My clients who make time for themselves – at least one hour a week – tell me they feel more at peace, more grounded, and experience more clarity throughout the divorce process. Checking out from the demands of your day-to-day life to do something just for you will help you mentally and physically. Not sure where to start? My friend Annie Wright, of Annie Wright Psychotherapy, compiled a list of 101 Self-Care ideas. And if you can’t find a good idea there, you might try working through this self-care worksheet that she and I created, which will help you commit to a time and activity. (Because, let’s face it: too often, if it doesn’t get scheduled, it won’t get done.)
4. UPDATE YOUR RECORDS
Will you be changing your name post-divorce? If you didn’t do it in the context of your divorce, that’s ok! You can do it post-judgment with this form. Make sure you get a copy of your Judgment that was signed by the judge If you haven’t already done, Also, now is the time to update auto, home and insurance policies to remove your ex’s name or update your own. Same for your will, medical insurance, credit cards, driver’s license, and emergency contact info at work.
5. REVIEW (OR FINALIZE) YOUR CO-PARENTING PLAN
If you and your ex have kids, it’s important to set out on the right foot from the beginning when it comes to implementing your co-parenting plan. This blog post I wrote for Hello Divorce, has tips on how to plan, communicate and co-parent your child(ren) by age.
6. PREP A STASH OF FEEL-GOOD QUOTES
Some days you’ll need them more than others, but having a go-to list of inspiring, affirming quotes will help refocus you on the positive when you need a pick-me-up. Here are a few of my favorite:
- I said I could, I would, and I did -@iamthatgirl
- I know I changed, that was the point -#bossbabe
- flawed and (still) worth -cleo wade
- you. not wanting me. was the beginning of me wanting myself. thank you. -nayyirah waheed.
7. DIVORCE PARTY
We recently came across an article about the divorce journey and how in our society we don’t pull together to support those people we love and celebrated when they married. Time to change that feeling of ‘aloneness’ and pull in the people who you most love and cherish. Maybe you want to go hog wild and stay out until your kiddos wake up. Or, maybe it just means that you spend an evening out with friends that inspire or make you laugh. Either way, you’ve been through a lot and deserve an evening celebrating the end of one chapter and the beginning of a new (better) version of yourself.
More than any tip on this post-separation checklist, I want you to remember: you got this. Take things day by day, and every day will get easier. And every day, you’ll grow a little bit more into a new, even more amazing version of you. I promise.